Breaking Up

Me and my (now ex-) boyfriend broke up yesterday. I’m sure it was one of the most peaceful and enlightening break-ups of all time. We reached a mutual realization of many things in regards to our relationship and ourselves. One of the most important things that we realized was that we had “come-of-age” with each other, and largely identified ourselves… our individual personalities… through each other. Thus, we need to split to find ourselves, otherwise any relationship we will be in will fail. We each have our demons to work out on our own.

We had many other reasons for the split, most of which included conflicts with perspective and handling a relationship. We both recognized that we were perfect for the time that we were together, but now we are moving into a new stage of our lives where, in order to evolve, we have to go our separate ways. We have decided to continue to be close friends, just not boyfriend and girlfriend.

Through this breakup, we had many epiphanies about us as individuals immediately, as the lens of being in a relationship had been removed. All we could both say is that it felt very natural, and we didn’t try to over think or rationalize anything for the sake of being in a relationship (like most other relationships). We transcended our attachment to each other, and made the decision that was best for each path. Most people cannot do this for the simple fact that they are addicted to the other person, and they have reached a point where they use the other person to complete themselves. But relationships only ever work the way they are supposed to if each person is whole.

Yes yes yall

Career Path

Judgments of value can only be truly understood through comparison, but in order to make that comparison, I may risk making a poor decision.  However, poor decisions only make us wiser as individuals.

Sometimes we make decisions too young, and we have no choice on the implications they have on the rest of our lives…but sometimes we do.  For example, I chose early in life to go into sales, but now at the age of nearly 23, I wonder if that career path is most fulfilling one I can choose, especially due to fundamental disagreements with my personality coupled with an ongoing feeling like there may be something out there that aligns perfectly (well obviously there is no perfect per se, but certainly an improvement) with my being.  I feel my curiosity will force me to seek out different options to compare, but I understand that I may risk ruining my opportunities in pursuing sales as a life career.  Again, even if this is a mistake, I will learn from it.  Besides, suffering and strife can be beautiful and it is what motivates us to maximize our potential.  I really cannot say if sales is adequate, because it is all I know.

I ask myself, what if I do try another career and it is better, but then I feel that same curiosity again.  Will I again change this path?  Really, that’s not an option.  By the time I see that it is an improvement, I will have expired my window of opportunity of youth and validated inconsistency.  Besides, the sole reward of the risk will hold exceptionally high value.  And if I find it is not better?  There is no regret, only learning.  And I will find happiness knowing that I found out.  Otherwise, due to my character, I would have died slowly inside for the rest of my life by the hand of curiosity.

But, I am giving myself sometime.  I am diving into a new part of my life, and I am not going to take this monumental risk lightly… because it WILL affect the rest of my life.  “If it’s meant to be, it will be”, a saying my grandmother has always said to me.  If this is meant to be, then I will find signs in the next few months that will counteract my curiosity.  No path is perfect, but I believe when I am on the right path, my passions, motivations, and creativity will sync and grow.  I don’t feel that now, but I know I will.  And if I can’t find that through a career, I will get to Tibet somehow and become a homeless, nomad monk.

What We Cannot Know – Tacerd

Swelling and compelling into the dynamic infinite

without coinciding, comprehending beauty of the repetitive

subjective considerations of adequacy, where to crash it

conversations alluding to motivation and passion

panicking, thrust towards the crash, the seat belt I can’t seem to fasten

dark cloudy fog fades my reflection’s reaction

Figure it out now,

unless the answer is doubt

the answer is a question

relinquish these possessions

we’re only playing tracks on life’s B-side

I resign from balancing this thin line, so I can realign.

Fine, it seems my mind has made up it’s mind

throwing up it’s arms at logic and intelligent design

I would much rather just groom you and barter

de-evolve to simplicity, complexity raises indecision farther

But I can’t, I can’t, I can’t breathe inside a cloud

is it because I can’t see? or is it the urgency of now?

Take time to pursue the end to questions of never,

believe in harmonious echoes of forever

whether it’s alone or together, resolve in what we chose

find peace and motivation in what we cannot know.

Where is the Outlet, Currency Range from MIN to …

Elapsed time narrates the scar for tomorrow

He scratched the wound before it bleeds for sorrow

I’ll borrow a story, from the hundreds I’ve heard

dissonance disturbed, I reveled in the words

the teacher turns into the student, beats flow to the poet

when you find your counterpoint staring back, with the exploding smile to show it

when it “would you” question masks it, would you even know it?

could you comprehend that stare? where would you go from there?

Locks and fox through your knocks

doors you forgot, you hoped you could block

out to reach that higher level of evolution, absolution,

who knows the solution? what’s with all the confusion?

rejecting students and embracing teachers,

we explain the previews for the feature

take a seat, sure we will both feign the route and clout

but honestly, neither of us know what we’re talking about

in the face of that next level if that’s what’s happening

because I can see we’ve already learned from where we’ve been

the only place to go is up so let’s introspect and reflect

recover the wrecked, and show me where to connect

Grey Matter … byam

C: Residual, every bit you spill, behaving your mind is no safe haven, good times, thin lines between the day after and memories of music and laughter

V: the words hard to find on an infinite parallel line to run forever in time but priceless one of a kind

V: I told you it wouldn’t mate

C: but souls of insight blame fate forever searching in the dark shallow hells of never for information that was never encoded into relative perspective eroded by insecurities that dirty the purities so assuredly time and space will alow me to comrehend but voiding the pattern will release me to transcend

V: So by gravity’s law i fall to resolve the lift no screams or yell supposed to be in fits life skips

V: so i nerd end my story slurred rapped in paper carried by a bird that sang my words alert from sky to earth

C: beautiful reflection, further inspection reveals the misperception of this echoed introspection

C: there is no song i preach, no class i teach, only the voice inside my head, like a zeppelin of lead, the only ones who hear the fall, are the ones that were there to tear down the wall

V: I’m in trouble i rock blockades to rubble, pick the pieces up put them back in the puzzle

C: please leave walls down and believe the aforementioned is nothing but connective intentioned  messages defeated, the puzzle isn’t solved together but only when it’s in pieces

V: this piece holds that one

C: and that’s the solution

Second Chances

My heart’s on fire, this I admire
scratch the scar, sedated star, stitched up by the wire
extinguish it, and be that humble martyr
or connect, and reflect, and make it burn harder
Intertwine the time and thoughts with one mind but different voices
wanna analyze these starving word choices?
She rejoices, a reflection,
the beauty of a crash at a vacant intersection
But to purposefully destroy such a vibrant light
It can’t be right! I engaged this plight
I pray at night, my dreams give me sight
I emerse to converse with omniscient greatness
can I face it? I’m wasted
disillusioned by the dust of a tainted distortion
I was pregnant with enlightenment, I engaged the abortion!
Last night at the show, I flipped the flow,
but my nerves froze up, my thought process slowed
exposed, the shit that I chose
I should just stick to prose and my art or
try a little harder, practice some more
This isn’t a confessional and I’m not trying to repent,
Haven’t you ever done something you resent and lament?
Let it go, leave it alone, stop trashing your home,
you were drunk and stoned
But this isn’t about flow, or artistic advances
this is about how you always need to be given those second chances

My Painting

I did this for a friend.  On the beach it says “Sou do mato” which is Portuguese for “of nature” or “from the wood/earth”.  Actually it is says “Soul” instead of “Sou”.

Fuck You For Touching The Bare Nerve Of My Insecurity

Yesterday, you ended our nice conversation by passing judgment upon me–how unpleasant.

Don’t ask me to judge authors and philosophers with a finite “yes” or “no”. I can’t judge an entire individuals existence with a “yes” or “no”. I’m not going to wholly agree or disagree with a solitary perspective.  If you want to discuss philosophy, then ask me what I think of certain concepts or ideas, otherwise you are just seeking out means to demean me based on my potential lack of being as well-read as you.

People who truly seek absolute reality do not judge, demean, and isolate themselves. The real life jedi’s seek to learn and educate.  So thank you for making me stop caring about impressing your type and start caring about seeking out mentors that will evolve me… and that won’t treat me like I should be lucky to speak to them.

DNA

Like a recipe or blueprint
your universe stored inside a nucleus
will this whole study reveal it
unlock the beat of the double helix
Four bases encode the back bone
organized structures called chromosomes
the environment inside
where they duplicate before they divide
the proteins help keep it compact and organized
structures guide the interactions inside
and control which parts of the DNA are transcribed
And this language speaks the vibrations that are YOU
and who YOU are physically,
spiritually, mentally, and more specifically
how you will live and die
makes you wonder if “free will” is all a fucking lie
Everything that you hate and prefer
But wait isn’t it BOTH nature AND nuture?
It’s only half the equation
What bubble were you raised in?
Take some Nyquil for that ego fever
don’t you see the full equation? You didn’t choose that either!
I know this equation, I can see through your crew
when I see your cell split, I’ll be there to encode you.
no forgiveness for your mental delay, sudden decay,
disappointed? go ahead and be that way
don’t worry, I’ll let you blame it on your DNA