Connection and Revelation

Relationships vs. Friendships

firelotus — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 20:12:29 +0000

Every intimate act, from holding hands to intercourse, initiates an energy transfer. Regardless of how you define your interactions, we all need that energy from others. Everybody has a comfort level with how much energy they need from others, as well as how many different people they need it from. If you surpass that level of need or variety, you start to lose yourself. I think the most fundamental building block in any friendship or relationship is having that need in common. If they are not alike, the process of compromise for the sake of keeping the unit in harmony will make one individual be self-sacrificial and the other constantly frustrated. Ultimately, this causes resentment and depression for both, which is obviously an undesirable state of mind.

I believe it is this requirement that will keep interactions positive and healthy. Actually, I don’t think relationships are necessary the way I see them; I think friendships are much healthier. A relationship is really just an unspoken agreement to protect pride and promote sloth. What is monogamy other than the act of shielding pride? Jealousness comes from pride, and pride comes from insecurity. If we are totally secure with ourselves, and we can trust the other person to be safe, then why would we care? I think that gives most people a sick feeling in their stomach because they know it will push and test their insecurities, and most people would rather be in that unspoken agreement to protect their insecurities as opposed to test them. I would venture to say that perhaps this dynamic would make for a more secure individual.

Secondly, relationships promote sloth. If you have an individual promise to be your sole source of energy, you know you never have to work for it again. However, if that promise is not there, you know you must earn it. You will work on yourself to deserve that energy, as opposed to letting yourself go because you know you are guaranteed it.

I think friendships are much more positive and stress-free. Notice, we tend to naturally keep friendships long term with individuals who share that same need for energy. Also, we don’t care who that friend spends their time with; we don’t get insecure and jealous when they are with others. We understand that our friends choose to be in our life, and so we tend to be more respectful and courteous towards our friends than our mates. If we get tired of a friend, we distance ourselves and that doesn’t end the friendship by any means. Sometimes people need their space, and wanting to create an agreement that forces an individual to give their energy when it is not natural or comfortable is being selfish, greedy, and insecure.

This is just what I have been thinking, but perhaps it’s a rationalization for my needs? Maybe my needs are wrong? Maybe I should feel guilty for this train of thought? Maybe I’m wrong…

Driving/Fall

firelotus — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 20:18:07 +0000

White lights follow red,
instead the white lights come
rush of blood to the head
crash or meet this car
afraid this might break your heart
put on the breaks, or let it get far
closer, close in on those blinding lights
worried that wonder will turn to spite
let the fear go, take the foot off the break
try not to concentrate on everything at stake
you could kill me from there, I’m not stable
please just pull up and hook up the jumper cables
I know why I called you, but doubt illuminates fear
sometimes its not intention, you may not know how to steer
no matter the outcome, I’m just glad your here
waiting, whenever your ready for the admission
hook up the wires, and start this ignition

The Click Factor

firelotus — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 18:27:44 +0000

I had such a great night last night. I hung out with one of my favorite people. The simplicity, effortlessness, lack of analyzing, and lack of trying to prove myself just made me realize how I seek out certain people’s approval or presence in my life to validate myself. I always give the advice to my friends: if you have to try, or take action, to make somebody take a greater interest in you, they aren’t worth your time because they aren’t on the same wave length as you… they aren’t the same type of great that you are and that you appreciate in life.

You are who you are, you are going to jive with the people on the level that makes you great. Just because you don’t jive with certain people, doesn’t mean you aren’t as good as them, you just don’t appreciate the same things … and it’s important to recognize that and let it go. Be grateful for your greatness, appeciate other types of greatness, and be at peace with the fact that you can’t be all things to all people. There will be select amounts of people that come into your life and truly appreciate you… you should appreciate them as opposed to wasting your time on trying to get people involved in your life that don’t naturally want to be in your life.

You may perceive similarities, but the click factor is more vital than anything else… because that shows mutual appreciation. Sometimes the click will be unrequited because half of the interaction’s logic is distorted by emotion. But when emotion changes (and it always does), logic will show that you were on different levels. It doesn’t matter the circumstance or situation, if the click is there, both people will make an effort to be in the other person’s life. It’s as simple as that.

Original Interest

firelotus — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 18:03:40 +0000

Who? Should I seek? What characteristics would I measure?

Why do I feel gripped by the currency, confined by time’s pressure?

See this reflection at your soul’s leisure,

Fear destroys the possibility of greatness,

Lack of apparent interest renders me faithless

Painless lives in shadows of those

who refuse to take both the highs and the lows, I don’t know,

maybe I’m kidding myself, this isn’t my reflection’s connection to infinity

this is just another attempt to assert my personal validity

maybe if I wasn’t totally crazy I would comprehend the lack of action: resistance

maybe you don’t believe you can unconsciously will your counterpoint into existence

I missed it, the point where your soul told not to hold onto the dissipation of emotion into time

But I’m resilient (and face it, I’m shameless) so with your confirmation in a moment’s notice I’ll be fine

What do I want from you, am I chasing what I felt?

Or am I just looking for myself in somebody else?

Why is there pain, roaming dissatisfaction?

Curious, stretched mad at the anticipated lack of reaction

Hoping you won’t fall back onto ignorance is bliss

When I wonder whether its wrong to pursue my original interest.

Falling…

firelotus — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 18:02:54 +0000

I was so confused, unsettled and lost
I had unknown outcomes and options to exhaust
while I was chasing the currency’s electricity
your echo answered my question with simplicity
I now understand my test and I clearly see the answer key
finally I understand this feeling of stability with ease
sometimes it was too easy to get caught up and not truly reflect
how you can always make time for that with which you truly connect
everything is so easy in my world when its just you
this is the feeling I was looking for, and it’s so overdue
from private to display, from implied to what you portray
life is so much easier since you’ve chilled with me everyday
I’m crossing out the others, so my interest is one, not all
because the undenyable fact is this is the beginning of a fall.

For those friends that don’t have MySpace (ehem! Pooja!) … recent writings

firelotus — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 08:03:45 +0000

Friday, July 11, 2008

the night tomorrow

wrist bands and stamps
wallflower or dance
hookup or casual romance
flashing lights, live music
loss of equilibrium, confusion
beer or liquor, decide what your choosing
wave, lean in, ID – take out and show
you wanna keep this tab open or closed
crowds leaving, should we stay or go
drama, cigarettes, talk shit, bar fight
last call for alcohol, fade up to bright lights
addiction, withdraw, realization: no more night
right, next day, it’s just time and space to follow
dead time between now and the night tomorrow

9:29 AM – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment

True Friends

in too late, misunderstanding matters of fate,
play out this future happening, i can’t relate
sedate and congregrated with people i never met
and with those i never regret, within my social net
ultimate trust and i wonder if its just proximity and time
that separates the them and us in this rhyme
fine, maybe I don’t understand you as well and I do myself
but for now I can never see being with anybody else
what are the simplisitic factors that play into this dynamic
which make experiences ecstatic, and which make them tragic
that connection that we seek, easy avenues through what you’re losing
and using, the universal languages are love and music
that’s why I play my car radio loud, I hope after you hear the sound
that this soul/sole connection resounds, making this currency profound
now I can’t see past these words as I type and as you read them
I wish my superpower was to tap into and control that powerful feeling
connection, universal reflection, deep meditative introspection
flexing and contracting time and space to make it lazy
sometimes conflicts of time and space make me go crazy
you can’t imagine the pain of connecting and then leaving
is it a drug, or is it just the truth that breaks through this glass ceiling
I’m feeling alone, wishing I was this that and/or stoned
it’s not wrong or right, it’s not reconciliation or fight
that gives us sight, reveals us as blinded, how do we find it
balance between love and fear, speak and hear,
giving back vs. looking in the mirror, the things I cannot measure
these personal and future choices come with such pressure
pleasure to meet you sorry I have to be so distant
but I can’t break this wall down too soon, it’ll drive you scared or resistant
you missed it, the point where I was just trying to let go of myself and fear
meanwhile all you can think of is pride, personality, and not letting anybody near
connection reappears in places with good hearts and open minds
I think it is in that abstact space where my true friends reside.

12:50 AM – 2 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

The In Between Time
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Time in between here and now is what I asked for: challenging

I can’t deny that getting what you wish for can be so maddening

I asked for a challenge to patience, a foil to my spoil

This balance of emotion and logic mixes like water and oil

The turmoil internal factors boil up while you sit there and watch

Staring at a list of emoticons and an empty box,

thinking of something meaningful to write up on the spot

this interaction is stupid, it feels so diluted

lack of realness and empathy renders it polluted

I waver back and forth between love, hate, and running

The funniest thing is that its usually a reaction to absolutely nothing

I do need these challenges, be resolved with what I can’t know

Rise above misinterpretations, and let the in between time go.

6:16 AM – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment

Monday, July 07, 2008

the other one

not what I expected, never had to introspect it
reflectin, over the time we just had
no forgiveness of coincidence, no love/hate or mess
no breaking out everywhere because I’m so fucking stressed
just light free jokes and smokes in my way of day
I never have to worry about you not meeting me half way
what do you say? you agree, but you make it free
by joking and saying you totally disagree,
but that just changes the degree, the way I see
makes it light, we play fight, totally relaxed through the night
I hope it’s ok when I say the smaller, older, newer, he
may know that I’m 100% kidding about his style and his jewelry
it crept up on me, the strangest thing I ever felt
makes me questions why I’d even try to go after anybody else.

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Thursday, July 03, 2008

my internal environment…

honestly… a word i start too many sentences with. nonetheless… you are reading, and i am conscious of that. should i speak to you? or should i speak to the general audience? i haven’t decided yet. for some… i am too open for comfort. for the right person (if that even exists), it makes so much sense, for the wrong person, “I” may even seem lonely and desperate. i promise you it is neither, but again i am speaking to … well … you. i digress. so to continue writing as myself, i will be open … and perhaps … vulnerable. what do i seek? well its quite simple. i seek casual interaction absent of emotional turmoil. but therein lies an inherent problem, emotional turmoil seems to come about too easily in light of recent events. expectations of myself can’t be too high… i have realized that. the wrong person has lost interest in reading by now. the wrong person is hardly interested in another’s mind’s inner workings, because they hardly understand their own. they live in such fear of understanding themselves and their emotions, that they don’t comprehend how ridiculous, how out of the question, personal evolution is for them. am i redirecting focus? perhaps. maybe my expectations are too high for myself, and that potential “other”. maybe i am not meant to be with anybody, and maybe you aren’t either. maybe this excerpt is nothing more than impatience mixed with the realization that you could never satisfy my expectations… and what does that mean? aside, that is who i am, and my needs, as i exsist NOW… in this very moment. perhaps the “other” that i seek in this moment… is myself. im sure that will change in the future. but know that… you cannot be what i seek right now. friend or lover, companion or aloof supplement. i am the only answer to my question. if anybody had the capability of fulfilling that right now… i think i would spontaneously combust. you don’t want to be that, i don’t need you to be that. i just need to be my own answer. and then once i reach that epiphany …we can discuss reality…

9:17 PM – 1 Comments – 0 Kudos

plant these roots

Out of the blue, I’m grateful this feelings not new

Been here before, individuality and light bursting through

Something clicked in the mix of pain and dissonance

I finally transcended fear and time, feeling so high ever since

Soul rinsed and cleansed, no demons to fight, sanity to defend

Absent from addiction and attachment, focused but relaxing

The ability of choice to remove myself from anything taxing

I want to go out alone, not like a rock, but as a stone

The tone will be as an observer, float in the natural curve and

Be above insecurity and doubt, through interaction find out

What he, she, and I are all about, tear down that wall

“United we stand, divided we fall”, individuality in the all

there is a huge difference between want and desire

as much as the separation between admire and inspire

it’s the separation of action, the presence of satisfaction

defining myself by my words, and more strongly by what I do

flying down from the float away, and finding where to plant these roots.

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Wednesday, July 02, 2008

The World Doesn’t Revolve Around Me

this injunction is a test of will, straggling holes in my soul to fill
my inability to let this admirable situation come to a standstill
the epiphany that what I said and sought didn’t match
this state of emotion brings me to an impasse
now I see what they wanted, because it came to me
naturally, externally you would disagree from what you see
inside boiled up anger, dissonance, and nervous laughter
I usually get the call back no later than 3 hours after
so much admiration, but my impatience emptied it out
what was once filled with hope was suddenly saturated in doubt
nothing changed, everything stayed the same,
I could only blame and make absurd arbitrary claims
seeing myself outside of myself renders this evolution sublime
reaching this realization that true connection transcends time
it came to me, so lucid, that was my spiritual restriction
I didn’t want you, I just wanted to feed the addiction
I wonder how many times I have destroyed good potential
because meeting that attention need became so essential
excuses about excuses regarding patterns, loneliness, and magic
it was never about anything but lying to myself, I’m such a fucking addict
tragic, excuses that demonized the needle for being empty
the crack addict cursing you for not giving one more penny
using subjective words like “rude” and inconsiderate”,
reading into unconscious action, and assigning it as deliberate
writing his script for rejection, and mine set to humiliate
I need to chill out, sit down, look at the facts, and open my eyes to see
the amazing thing that I saw, and that the world doesn’t revolve around me.

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when i was 18…

i stepped out on the curve on the highway
expected for you to drive slow coming my way
expectations flattened after the kick back
hit and run, led on, this shit is so whack
i would blame myself for the overanalysis
my dumbass got played, now im stuck in paralysis
the psychoanalysis failed, impaled, now im just stale
how now conversations over a glass of ale
mutated, contemplated whether I was making the right decision
I can’t blame myself, I couldn’t forsee this collision
division of hate and love, the empty space weighs a ton
I can’t get anything done, sleep, work, play, now run
like an idiot imma hold out hope,
that you may turn around, pick me up and go
for anybody else i would say fuck it and return to individuality
but honestly, you just had that great of a personality
maybe that’s my fallacy, i know you’ve done this before
get your fix, cut the ties, write them off as whores
you ignore them, you don’t give a fuck to consider how fragile women are
you don’t understand how intimacy could ever leave such deep scars
some women will lie and say they can leave it,
leave you alone and never come back to retrieve it.
but i guarantee you fucked them up, somewhat
used as the hollow bottle, ash of a cigarette butt
but you don’t know this whole process, cause nobody ever told you
can’t really blame you for that, I’m sure you can’t believe its true
that’s why they cut it off, because its easier to be hit and run and move on
then to grab onto the back of the moving car, and be dragged along
why do I only hear the lesson, write the lesson, but never learn it
because from what I saw, what I felt, the risk might be worth it.

12:24 PM – 0 Comments – 0 Kudos – Add Comment

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Can’t Keep

what is it that makes it fade
shades of gray between deciding what to say
my aura, my being escapes me too easily
I wish I could give it without thought, absently and freely
I could blame: 1) simple addiction, or 2) a matter of habit
3) this is no unique occurence, I am just after the magic
excuses would free me, really
I hope for the easy, my illusion of animus
erase memories of harmony over empty glasses and ashed cannibus
empty thrusts, our eyes never discussed,
hard to exhalt, but I’d never condemn
now I know why you haven’t kept them,
both their lack of patience for an output of emotional dealings
and your incapability, fear of understanding your own feelings
I wonder if this one will break the glass ceiling, or if I will be one more you lose
cause subconciously you can’t handle it, and that’s what you’ll always choose

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On My Own Terms

firelotus — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 15:57:20 +0000

Time reveals ridges in the groove, now move
when the notes lift up, I know exactly what to do
it’s not what I expected, the notion I accepted
of taking fate with these traits, sedated with late
experiences and interferences with the will I had
but really with knowing how I am,
how could I expect that feeling to last?
I never fronted, this is exactly what I wanted
memories of the past, and understanding now
interaction to inner-satisfaction, understanding the tao
how could I not forsee that that one feeling would die
erase the shame of embarrassment for the process of try
I’m grateful for the clarity, I don’t need the popularity,
and I didn’t need the emotional charity,
prosperity comes with parity in the idea of humility
humble before you stumble, humility creates stability
and mobility, all the true inner essence that it confirms
takes me to the next level, where I live my life on my own terms.

i learn from this experience
i’m grateful for the interference
it’s the music and I’m the dancer
peace, the question is the answer

Charismatic

firelotus — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 02:41:56 +0000

I’ve been here before but I still can’t ignore

the insatiable feeling to know what’s behind the cracked door

the desire of wanting the moment, wanting more

I want to skip the honeymoon for the real dynamic

understand what’s behind the magic, will this end tragic?

static passes through the currency, pulsating charismatic

I can’t stand the lack of demand, losing another poker hand

restlessness, I don’t understand

whether I look backward or forward to expand

like a grain of sand on the life is a beach

teach me to master the syllables of this poetic speech

which demons do I save and which do I defeat

repeat in action is unlikely, but in emotion: at risk

I can’t figure out if not knowing is a cure or the sick-

ness-essity of empowerment of will to reach the ultimate truth

thinking too much will just strangle it loose

cause your used to getting what you want, but not wanting what you got

when you lose the link in satisfaction your soul starts to rot

it’s not what you think, it’s what you had to do

answer points his hand towards the introspect:

“the other person is you”

yourself, the truth is inside yourself

and that notion of emotion is the truest thing I’ve ever felt.

Runaway Cat

firelotus — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 13:29:47 +0000

Ya know, I think some guys don’t get it that I am breaking up with my boyfriend to be alone and figure out who I am. It is not my intention to immediately turn around and fuck somebody else. People right after breakups are vulnerable and need to figure themselves out. People are coming out of the woodworks like all of a sudden now is the time when I am interesting enough to contact. What a coincidence that I am only an interesting person once I am single. I don’t know, maybe I am just reading into it. Maybe they just didn’t feel like they could be my good friend while I had a boyfriend because they thought he may get mad for no valid reason.

“In the Flesh?

So ya
Thought ya
Might like to go to the show.
To feel the warm thrill of confusion
That space cadet glow.
Tell me is something eluding you, sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you wanna find out what’s behind these cold eyes
You’ll just have to claw your way through this disguise.”

Spread out on the grass

firelotus — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 13:07:45 +0000

The day swims into black ocean,
acupuncture, grass needles seem to lose their devotion
motion, the clouds pull away from the moon like cotton
stars are placed scattered like memories, the sun is forgotten
rotten, my gut from last night’s fight,
mind running at the speed of light despite
my equilibrium shot and the intense vision blur
a hand full of questions and problems to defer
contemplating the time elapse for an energy transfer
Now I’m laying out on the grass, trying to make time pass
my world is shifting and spinning just a little too fast
it’s only a matter of time before the collapse
but I can’t wait, burning with anticipation to rebuild
I have an appointment alone, for a bunch of voids to fill
spill, my thoughts and heart onto the canvas,
shades of confusion and delusion, fables with no conclusion
my need for resolution, my need for seclusion
fusion of light and sound, lost and found, I’m losing ground
how profound, I feel out of it, yet so connected,
I am the darkness of the water’s own reflection.
sinking into the natural flow, without thought or choosing
I won’t be the water, but I know how to be the movement.