I have a natural distrust of social norms, tradition, standards, and absolutely of preconceived notions. I like to make decisions based on what I know through my own experiences rather than walking in the shadow of somebody else’s. I have always approached every encounter much in the same way that I approach people: without being shaded by others perceptions, with a clear mind, and solely by how I am influenced or afflicted. I always keep a subconscious assessment of positives and negatives, and really not much else beyond that. Certainly external perception is weighted among the positives and negatives, but it is not the means by which I determine the fate of my experiences.
Most people, including my friends and family, are confused with my choices. They assess/value me as a person, and wonder how I could demand so little. Really though, there has never been a time where I did not do exactly as I wanted. One thing that is absolutely certain, is that my friends and family have come to know that I can take care of myself. I have a good perspective on everything, and I take a lot from every situation. I don’t have the same morals, boundaries, perceptions, judgements, and approach to life that everybody else does–but I have exceptional confidence and pride in the way I live my life. I am not free from mistakes, but I have pride in the way that I evolve after them. I really couldn’t ask for more: hands on trial and error–and a hell of a lot of good stories to tell from it.
In the end no matter what has happened to me: disease, getting fired, having no money, having my heart broken, having my ass chewed out, living for months in pain… it was survivable in the end. And I’m grateful for being alive another day for the pursuit of happiness and wisdom. I take in a deep breath and think: suffering is beautiful, life is beautiful, and I will always feel this alive. I never stutter, I never withhold, I never abstain, and I never hold back without the pain and impetus of personal experience behind me. I think that’s pretty incredible.
So now I am in a “classic Cat” situation again as my closest friends would call it. The man I love is married to another woman…for now. “Classic Cat” in the sense that it is seemingly undesirable, exciting, and I am stubbornly, and without reserve, participating it in. Again the expected reaction of how I could stand for this? how could I do this to myself? am I a masochist? No, not at all. Weighing on the scales in my head I feel the positives far outweigh the negatives…for now. In the negatives, I have time restrictions on when I can see him. I am still able to see him, he thinks the world of me and treats me great. By proxy of participating in the situation, there is no added negativity, no harm–only the longing–the desire to see him more and be more legitimately a part of his life. But for now I am in a holding period. So in my mind, when I am without him, these feelings are the same as if I were with no one. I need to feel those feelings regardless. I have been a serial monogamist since I was 17. So in a way, I am having my cake and eating it too. I am feeling the withdraw of removing myself from a world where I have constant companionship, and I am also able to be with the person who I believe I will be with for the rest of my life. Of course I want more, because I see how amazing it is, but it is a test and a blessing, and also a rigorous, philosophical [and probably the only way I would allow a] test of my patience.
Of course, the scales always win though, and what is negative in my mind is somewhat out of my control at times. We are puppets to our emotions. If I do start to see the negatives in the way everybody else sees, then the scales will come to the tipping point. If the tipping point does come, I would hope that I would never settle for less compatibility, for less of a man than he is. I would be devastated if this waiting was in vain, but undoubtedly I would take a great deal from the situation–and I would know it was all done in the pursuit of happiness.
