I have often been a preacher of gaining wisdom through experience. This is true, we learn from trial and error, from our successes, and thus through experiencing. However, there is undoubtedly learning through deprivation, from removing and gaining perspective on something that has become perhaps overly embedded in our lives.
I had a dream last night that my family and I were taking two separate cars and driving to go on vacation. I was asked to sit in the back with my brother, and I was acting towards him as I used to before I left for college. To give you some background, my brother is autistic, and the way I treated my brother before college is now one of the biggest disappointments of myself, in my life. I grew up with him and, to some extent, was unable to see the importance and graveness of his mental handicap. I treated him similar to how you would treat a sibling in adolescence, however he was unable to communicate or fend for himself in the way that a typical sibling would. So as you can imagine, I awoke very upset–evoking those strong feelings of being ashamed of my ignorant behavior. Then, I reflected on my dream, thinking about how when I left for school that I changed my environment and deprived myself of my family, including my brother. After several months I began to look upon that behavior, along with several other unhealthy behaviors, as appalling and immature. However, it was only through deprivation that I gained that perspective.
Interesting enough, I had already been on a mission for the past two days to do exactly that–deprive myself of things entangled in my life to which I feel I have an ignorant and immature relationship with, men and alcohol. Last night’s dream started my day off feeling exceptionally righteous and motivated to start down this path. I hate putting a time period on growth, but I imagine I will be without romantic or sexual interest for one year, and without alcohol until the end of the current year–at least. I’d like to slowly introduce alcohol back into my life in a responsible way, and then continue to reflect on my past behavior and relationship with men until I feel I have gained a respect for the importance and graveness of my engagements.
The past several years, I have been in stark disapproval of my own behavior relating to alcohol and men. It was my hope that I would evolve through experience, yet I have seen myself fail yet again, and this time in an unforgivable way–to myself and those that love me. It was my intuition that I needed to gain greater maturity and wisdom through deprivation (actually somewhat through lack of choice), but last night’s dream really validated that for me. I am excited to go down this path–to be with myself and fix all of these things I have neglected.
